How to resolve conflicts with in-laws with 3 steps

By getting married you not only got a husband, but also in-laws (and with them conflicts with in-laws). The stereotypes say that there are always some conflicts with in-laws. If in your case stereotypes are the reality, I’m here to help you.

I promise you, after this article you will be one step closer to solving any problems with your “second family” once and for all.

Who is guilty?

The first thing worth doing is finding out what (or who 😉) is the root of the issue. Maybe mother-in-law does not like you? Or in-laws are stepping into your and your husband’s life way beyond what you wished for? Maybe they turn him against you? Or maybe simply they have good intentions, but they cannot express them nicely?

Think about it for a moment. Write down all the conflicts that are unsolved between you and them.

The most common issue is how much you should involve in both of the families be in your brand-new life. If these imaginations collide, then well, there is a fight. And your dreams about entering a new family in harmony and peace are ruined.

Why conflicts with in-laws are so common?

Oh, the answer is simple. You married your awesome man and became his prioritized family – which means that his “first” family is not the most important for him anymore. You come first. This is a hard adjustment! Imagine you had a son, maybe even an adult one, and one day you just need to say goodbye to him and watch him start a life with a woman.

Of course, you’ll worry and for a while maybe you would try to have a sneak-peak if this girl for sure takes good care of him. I am not saying it is a right attitude – but let’s try to put ourselves in our in-laws’ shoes. The bond has been cut; the raising is over. It is always a shock, even if you’ve been planning a wedding for months. Also, it is another family, with different traditions – and this in and of itself potentially created the field for disagreements with in-laws.

Yes, yes, no matter how much your in-laws are crossing the line, it does not excuse them – but at least you might understand them better now.

Why does it feel so bad? ☹

I get you. You hate this situation and instead of feeling like you belong to this new family, you keep on having impression that you’re being rejected. Do these sound familiar?

• Your husband prioritizes his family (or a certain member, like a mum) over you
• Your mother-in-law constantly makes sure if her son is fine, for example by checking if you cooked something nice and manly
• You and your husband disagree on the regularity of in-laws’ visits
• Your husband’s family seems to criticize your every decision – even the color of the tiles in the bathroom
• You have a constant feeling that in-laws do not like you – or worse – they openly express that they don’t
• Your husband’s family is disagreeing with the children raising model that you chose with your partner, and sometimes they even try to sabotage it
• You feel tired, defeated and not like a happy brand-new wife at all

These are hard situations to be in! Even if your particular problem is not on this list I can bet it also is not the easiest thing. You feel horrible and it is totally normal. But staying in this pit of oh-my-God-why-is-it-so-hard is never good. I do believe you can improve your relationship with in-laws.

Ha, really? I tried already – I tried and failed.

   I’m glad you did! This means you are putting some effort in order to ease the tension – you are very mature, darling. But please, do not give up. I know this is not encouraging to be the only one trying to change something, but maybe your in-laws see your good intentions. Maybe they simply need time. Or, more direct gestures.

To encourage you, let me tell you my story.

Story time – make some popcorn and enjoy 😊

I married an amazing man from a different country over three years ago. I am Polish, but – not to be offensive, but Polish guys were getting on my nerves. At least the ones that I met – I bet there are some good men out there in the country of pierogis and delicious potatoes.

So I married Hungarian-Serbian Alex.

His mom wrote me a beautiful letter in English and in the beginning our relationship was good, but shy and covered with language limitations.

After a while the conflicts of the cultures appeared.

Simply – they were used to different things, and I was as well. Funny enough, Poland is not that far from Serbia, but it turned out the cultures in these two countries have significant differences such as:

• Fitness, running or any sport activities are more and more popular in Poland – if somebody runs in Serbia, they’re probably chased by the police 😉
• Serbia is more family-oriented, when many families in Poland are rather career/studies-oriented
• Vegetarian and vegan products are easily available in practically every store in Poland – if you do not eat meat in Serbia, you’ll starve
• In Poland it is normal to keep a dog inside, as a friend – in Serbia majority of dogs are kept in the yards in order to protect the houses

And so on and so on. These are not any statistics, just my own observations. As you see, there are already potential points of disagreeing, for instance food 😊 Add to this the list of specific differences between in-laws’ family and my fresh family with Alex or the rituals I had with my family while living in Poland.

But give us some dramas already! We want to know more details about your conflicts with in-laws!

So there comes the juicy part that you probably are looking forward to. Dramas!

I need to disappoint you, I will not go into dirty details – simply because there is no need to bring up something that is already solved. But to give you some examples of tensions and assure you that you’re not alone, fine, I’ll share a few:

• In the beginning of our marriage Alex decided on how we will spend the weekend with his mum – and I felt hurt and disrespected that he did not discuss it with me as his wife first – but we solved it
• I was upset that whenever Serbian family came to visit, I felt like we do not spend time together (meaning we do not spend time the way I USED TO spend time with my family, obviously) and I locked myself in the room to be left alone – yup, exactly, doesn’t make any sense
• Alex’s side of the family was convincing him through the phone why we should already have a baby – well, we got a dog instead haha
• In my family everybody helped mum to cook, even by cutting ingredients. I subconsciously expected the same from the Serbian family and every time they did not initiate to help, I was angry

See? The conflict appears when two sides have different expectations. I believe you can see it in your case too.

Okay, okay, but what now?

Now, my dear reader, I want you to remember something. This in normal – almost every wife at some point hits some conflicts with in-laws. There is nothing weird about it and most importantly – you are not a bad wife. You are trying your best and I know your husband is blessed with you.

Also, every issue is solvable. Some are easier to fix, some are harder.

Thanks for this pep-talk, but what do I do with my conflicts with in-laws?

You take action. Stop thinking (even when you’re thinking correctly) that they are not doing anything to fix the situation. You are responsible for you and yourself only. Then follow this strategy:

1. Talk to your husband

It is important for him to know how you feel. It might take more than one conversation, but trust the process.

2. think what you can do about your conflicts with in-laws and then do it

For me it started with simply accepting the differences. Then I told my mother-in-law about my feelings. After that I invited them over for a weekend. And I organized bonding party. See? There is always something you can do from your side, even if it’s just baking (or buying a ready one if you’re not a baker) cake.

3. Be patient

They might still be stubborn, treat you unfairly or ignore your efforts, but you can have a clear conscious that you’re doing all you can. Accept what you cannot change and do your best to improve what you are able to.

And that’s it – three simple in theory, but oh so hard in practice steps to fix your conflicts with in-laws. But I did this. I reached the point when I can confidently answer the questions “How do you get along with your in-laws?” with a smile and just one word: “Good”.

And you, my dear reader? What struggles you have or still are going through with you in-laws? Let me know!