Intimacy is tough, and it’s not uncommon to find yourself in a situation where you’re not attracted to your husband anymore. While it may seem weird, it’s important to understand that these feelings can be normal. So if you’re not attracted to your husband anymore, I’m here to help you.
Make yourself some coffee (or tea if you’re British) and let’s talk!
The most common reasons for losing attraction
Whether you just entered the marriage or you’re just like me (married 3.5 years, duh), it can happen that you wake up one day and you’re not attracted to your husband anymore. Scary? It shouldn’t be! Probably one of these happened:
1. Fat husband
Just kidding. Or not? Even though for us, wives, being turned on takes way more than visuals, the husband who is not putting any effort to look decent for you, can be a real turn OFF. I am not saying he needs to be… well, who is the handsome actor? Oh boy, can you think of any? I cannot write my first choice because then my husband will discover my celebrity crush. Not that I have any! Just, if I did… Okay, I’m just digging a deeper hole. Anyway! You husband does not need to be *your choice* to be hot for you, right? But eating burgers all the time, wearing the sweaty shirt and having leftovers from donuts in his beard is not attractive either.
- Look at yourself – I know you are beautiful – I see you, my dear reader, I can sense your beauty through these letters, I see your pretty eyes sliding from one letter to another. But do you take care of your body? Without exaggeration, but small daily effort should be there. Because maybe you’re husband’s neglect is just a response to yours? Think about it.
- Talk to him kindly – use the method of sandwich (I mean, if he loves burgers so much, then he’ll get it) – first compliment him, especially focusing on his body even if it’s hard to find anything. Hey, for sure there is something! Like, he might have really attractive toe. Or charming nostrils. You name it. After this emphasize that his neglect is taking away from his attractivity and that taking some steps to change it would help you be on as well. And then drop another compliment, just to be sure.
2. Stress
Ha, really. I see you’re rolling your eyes 😉 The thing is, too many responsibilities are on our shoulders, we sometimes even forget that sex exists. And since there isn’t a single tiny thought about intimacy in your mind, then of course you are not attracted to your husband anymore. I’ve been there! Believe me, my husband is the hottest man that ever walked on earth, but there were few points in my life when I had too much on my plate that I just did not have a stomach to fit the desert. They say there is always a separate space for a desert, but well, sometimes you just can’t see that.
Solutions:
- open communication – express how you feel, tell him you are overwhelmed, delegate some tasks if that’s the root of the issue (pro tip: add something like “That would be so sexy if you were taking the trash out from now on”. If your stress has nothing to do with your husband, then explore the ways to cope with this – relaxing baths, talking to somebody, petting the dog or watching Pride and Prejudice.
- self-care – look at it this way – the more you invest in yourself, the more you can give. Reserve minimally 30 minutes per day to take yourself for a walk, exercise or even eat a pack of your favorite chips in peace. There is nothing selfish in being selfish in order not to be selfish! Oh my, I just used word selfish so many times. What I’m trying to say is, you need to help yourself in order to help others.
3. Not feeling attractive, therefore you’re not feeling attracted to your husband
What a paradox, ha! You do not to feel desirable so you are not able to desire. If you are able to confidently get naked in front of your husband and see the awe spreading on his face, then of course you will want to take the things further. But if you have low self-esteem and feel like a cheap sausage instead of a gourmet piece of lamb… oh my, did I really compared you to meat? Gosh, I’m an awful writer, forgive me! What I was trying to say is that when you do not feel sexy, then you most probably won’t find your husband sexy either.
Solutions
- shopping – go and buy yourself the hottest lingerie you can find, that’s a command! You are beautiful and I want you to embrace it and feel it. Do not wait for the better time because it will not come. You do not have any idea how many special bras I was storing in my closet waiting for the occasion festive enough. Let me tell you – this occasion is today
- decide to feel hot – hahaha, yes, so funny. But is it? Everyday we make bunch of choices – will I be productive or lazy, will I go running and be fit or will I eat half of the burger that my husband did not eat, will I put on a dress, small make up and be it girl, honey!
4. Kura domowa syndrome
Now quick Polish lesson. “Kura domowa” means house chicken; such an impolite name for a wife that is left with all responsibilities around the house. When you move from washing dishes to making dinner to putting your spouse’s dirty socks in the washing machine, of course you are not attracted to you husband anymore. How could you be? You do not feel like his sexy lover but like – yes, I see you’ve learnt – like a kura domowa. There isn’t anything sexier for us women than a husband helping out with the dishes without being asked to.
Solutions:
- delegate – it is hard and sadly in some cultures impossible, but delegating some tasks to your husband or kids if you have them might be helpful. Your husband may resist, but as soon as he understands that the more he helps you out, the more sexually attracted to him you are, he will most likely follow this dynamic. Remember to appreciate his efforts – even if the dishes are not washed perfectly or the dinner has too much salt. Do not discourage him! Remember when I was younger, I was trying to help my mum cut the pepper for the salad. Apparently the pieces were too big. Was I ever willing to cut the pepper for her? No. Believe me, the pepper rule applies to the majority of men!
- organize – what if instead of doing everything in one day, you would come up with a perfect, balanced plan? Maybe cook for two days? Or clean deeply every Wednesday only (I do this! Believe me, I hated associating the most fun day in the week – Saturday – with a broom and a cleaning spray). I know it seems not enough to do less everyday, but I want you to start feeling like the queen of your palace, not the cleaning lady! Unless you’re doing a role play with your husband.
5. General lack of sexual mood
You love your husband, but it seems like nothing will change this ‘meh’ feeling that you have every time you think of sex. There are some proven ways to change it. This state can have many various reasons – believe me or not, it can be as simple as deficiencies in your diet! Maybe you’re not in the mood, because sex is usually painful? Or your sex life became dull and as a result you are not attracted to your husband anymore.
Solutions:
- change a scenery – if the only place you did it is the bedroom… then well, time for some variety! I am not telling you to go out and do it at night in the middle of the forest (but if that’s what you like, no judging! Accompanied with hooing owls and cracking branches… well, let’s say, for some this can be fun). But seriously, sometimes it is enough to change the room. Or the furniture. Think about your house as a territory you need to mark with intimate moments with your husband. Ok, that sounded pretty bad, but you get the idea! I promise, one day I’ll learn the art of creating artistic metaphors!
- set some challenges – if your bedroom was boring for a while, try something new to make it exciting again – maybe a jar with hot challenges for every night would be a good idea? You can also try one of the 101 ways to initiate sex with your husband. Or, why won’t you try defining what you actually like in bed and then experimenting a little bit? Treat your bedroom like a playground – there is always so much to discover. Have fun with it!
6. Changed priorities
Once you grow as a wife and a woman, your focus might shift and one day you just realize that you are not attracted to your husband anymore. Kids, a dog, a cat, housekeeping, social life, business, personal growth… any of these become more important than they were and as a result you might not even think about sex. You do not have the space in your head. This is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with prioritizing different aspects of your marriage or life in general. But if intimacy falls way behind, then problems can start.
Solutions:
- prioritize back – making love is a glue for the marriage so putting it once more as one of your priorities is smart. Put it into your calendar if it does not come naturally. It should be equally important for you and your spouse so that you show respect towards your needs. Your husband shouldn’t beg you to make love with him – if he does, then your marriage fades and the colors turn into sad grey.
- find the balance – of course, if your husband is fine with having sex once a month, then okay. But what if he needs it everyday? Well, you can either stubbornly do it every 3rd of the month, not really joyfully agreeing to daily intimacy, or find the bridge between those too and let’s say do it every second day. It is important to consider both sides of the preferences and remember that making love is not only about taking but also giving.
7. Emotional neglect
Your husband does not support you, you do not spend quality time together, you feel lonely. You are married but you feel like you were single. Emotional neglect can cause you to lose attraction towards your husband. He might be way more attractive than *your celebrity choice*, but it is just not enough since he behaves like an idiot.
Solutions:
- open communication – being vulnerable and expressing that your emotional needs are not met can be tough, I feel you. But I do believe your husband loves you and maybe he is simply not aware that he is hurting you. Or, more common, he became cold because you became cold in bed. Talk about a crazy circle, huh? Try talking clearly, without unnecessary accusations or assumptions or:
- more sex – uhm, what? He is not showing me love and you want me to go to bed with him? Yes, darling, yes! No, do not roll your pretty eyes. You probably think that your sex life will improve and your attraction towards your husband will come back once he becomes more tender in every other sphere of life. But what if it is exactly opposite? Investing in mind-blowing sex can bring you huge changes in every other sphere of your marriage. Trust me, I’m a wife too 😉
8. Somebody else – uh oh
Oh, there is this charming Roberto in the office! Or pilates instructor Alejandro… Or – these are the worst – pizza delivery guy Miquel. If your attraction compass is set for somebody else, then well, your poor husband can spread gold petals on the bed and use Channel Blue cologne and yet you will not react to this. I am not judging you – these things happen, of course once in a while we will see an attractive man. But we should not follow these temptations for the sake of our marriage. So I strongly recommend that you:
Solutions:
- Cut Roberto, Alejandro and especially Miquel off – this might seem extreme and sometimes it is not even possible. I mean, cutting off Miquels always is. Start ordering pizza from a different place. What? Ha, but this is your favorite? Are you really going to prioritize pizza over your marriage? Can pizza give you emotional support? Ok, bad question. Can pizza go through life with you, support you? Ok, another bad one. This one for sure you cannot answer “yes” – Can pizza give you a family and give its life for you? Exactly. So stop ordering pizza from Miquel, change pilates instructor and if you have to work with Roberto, at least do not go on lunches with him. Be fair towards your husband.
- I’m sorry, there isn’t any alternative. Solution number one is the only available here!
No matter which reason(s) applies to your issue, do not feel weird. This is completely normal but luckily, you can be attracted to your husband again. So, roll up your sleeves and work on intimacy in your marriage.
Which solution will you try first?
Comment One