If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why am I afraid of physical intimacy with my husband?” you’re not alone. Many women experience fears and concerns when it comes to getting closer with their hubbies, especially at the beginning of their marriages. Together we are going to explore some common reasons behind these fears and I will offer you practical solutions to help you overcome them. I’ll keep it real, with a sprinkle of humor (for you no chill out and not stress about your issue even more), so let’s dive in!
Marysia, I am afraid of being vulnerable…
One of the most common reasons for fearing physical intimacy is the fear of being vulnerable. You might worry about letting your guard down or exposing your true self to your husband. It’s like getting caught in your PJs without makeup – a little scary! But it’s normal and believe me, I experienced it too. If this is the root of your issue too…
…try this:
Embrace vulnerability together. Share your thoughts, feelings and insecurities with your husband. Remember, he’s your biggest supporter and biggest fan – even when your in your PJs. When you both open up, it deepens the connection and makes you feel more secure. You can talk about how fear of being vulnerable makes you vulnerable even more. Uhm, what? Okay, let’s put it different way – vulnerability is sexy.
Well, you know, I do not think I am pretty enough.
Another reason we, young wives, often ask, “Why am I afraid of physical intimacy?” is body image insecurities. We all have that little voice in our head that says, “Do I look okay?”. Sometimes it’s our parent voice echoing the critics that we heard many years ago, sometimes ex partner and sometimes, definitely most common it’s our own inner voice. I won’t count how many times my inner voice was complaining about my belly. “It’s not even flat, he will hate it!”. But you know what? I talked with myself. Right, my belly is not flat – but did Marlin Monroe have a six-pack? Nah! Yes she was considered the sexiest woman on earth. It’s all the matter of perspective, isn’t it?
But how do I do this?
I hate this word, because it has as many meaning as human beings. Focus on self-love. Instead of dwelling on your complexes, embrace your uniqueness. Make self-care a part of your routine – that’s what I did with my belly. For years every time I was putting a moisturizer for my body, I was skipping my poor stomach. Now he gets the most of Nivea. Also remember, confidence is sexy, just like vulnerability – if you have both, then you’re already a sex bomb!
Okay, but what if he… oh no… REJECTS me? 😭
Rejection sucks, doesn’t it? It’s natural to fear that your partner might not desire you the way you desire him. Let me guess, that happened before with somebody or you think that your husband is out of your league. The first one? I know, if hurts and you do not want this to happen again. But I want you to understand – your husband is not person X. Person X is out and good for you, because you deserved way better.
The second one? Well, who cares about these stupid leagues based on Hollywood standards of attractivity. If your husband chose you, for him you’re a 10! Plus, now you’re a team. So you are playing for the same league, aren’t you? 😉
Sure, but how do I overcome it?
Communication is key. Talk to your husband about your feelings. Chances are, he’s not aware of your concerns, and discussing them can bring you closer together. He might not wait to start crazy, intimate life with you – do not hold back! The truth is, men are blind – my one breast is visibly smaller than the other – my husband (an engineer obsesses with the symmetry) did not notice it. He will not reject you, even if you have an extra boobie – your husband will be triply blesses with you.
Makes sense, but what if I, you know… won’t perform well?
The thought of not meeting your partner’s expectations in the bedroom can be overwhelming, I feel you. But nobody does it well the first, second or even 259th time – it is not a stage. You will learn by practice only and the most comforting thing – you will learn together. It will be messy – you will probably hit the bed frame with your head few times – but perfect like from the movie sex is boring. Uniqueness and clumsiness makes it one of a kind!
Let me tell you…
Practice makes perfect 🙂 You will get to know your body (and your husband’s too) – the process of getting there is exciting as well. Also, very important, and I want you to stick it on the walls of your brain – Physical intimacy is about connection and pleasure, not about a performance. Do not let songs, movies or worse things dictate something else to you.
Gosh, I still know so little about these things.
I know. My knowledge about sex when I got married was at -1 level. Yup, I was shyly awaiting in underground parking – which is not bad! Then my Ferrari went out to the street and there was a wow. Okay, not really. It was rather clumsy igniting of small Fiat – but look above, it’s not about performance! Plus, the more you drive, the more luxurious you become, no matter if you’re starting as Mercedes or a simple Skoda. Did I really compare women to cars? Oh my, that’s just wrong! I am such a bad writer, I do admire you for bearing with me 🙂
Knowledge is power, innocency is superpower
Saving your interest for your husband is a value, my dear, not something to be ashamed for. But now the Forbidden Department is not forbidden anymore – go grab some books! This is a discreet subject, but asking questions should not be forbidden. Good quality articles can be helpful too. But be careful – Internet is full of lies about sex. You are you and believe me, step by step you will understand everything. Just give it time. If you want the process to be a little quicker, well, read my blog 🙂
What if I have these horrible memories…?
For some of us, past experiences can cast a long shadow over intimacy. This is tough. The things that happened to you were wrong and these who hurt you are the only ones to blame, yet you still live in guilt and shame. This is holding you back and it’s the answer to the question “Why am I afraid of physical intimacy?”. I hate, hate, hate this! Too many men, too many boys, boyfriends, and even fathers misuse the gift that God has given us. But you know what?
We will fight!
Hold my hand and look me in the eyes – hazel, eyelashes on the left one are way shorter and my eyebrows are asymmetric, yup, yours are definitely prettier 🙂 But it doesn’t matter now! I want you to listen to me, because, oh honey, I understand more than you think. Over three years ago I’ve decided that I will not let the devil win and take away the pleasure and blessings in the bedroom that God prepared for all wives. I talked about it with way wiser person, I read all of Linda Dillow’s books and here I am, having wonderful marriage with satisficing bedroom life. So, fight, my dear reader, fight and you’ll win. Take your time and use all the resources that can help you. I would be honored to be one of your secret weapons too. Do not hesitate to write to me about your issue – we’ll fix your engine. Gosh, did I really do this again? I am so sorry!
I promise not to use any crazy metaphors in the next article. Ha, who am I lying to? 🤣
Do not worry, you are not alone.
So, why are you afraid of physical intimacy? Well, the reasons can be varied, but what’s essential is that you’re not alone in feeling this way. Every relationship has its unique challenges, and it’s all part of the beautiful journey of marriage.
So, strong and beautiful wife, go forth with confidence, and let love and intimacy flourish in your marriage!
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