I’ve heard many times that sex is like a glue for marriage and it connects wife and husband in incredible intimacy. And then in one marriage book, sadly I cannot recall the title, I’ve found a sad story of a couple that went to therapy because of lack of sex in marriage.
When I got married and I and my husband were in our newlywed stage, I just couldn’t comprehend how on earth it was possible to experience a lack of sex in marriage. As I’ve heard, among other reasons, the wife is often not in the mood.
How, how, how? I could not get enough of my husband, and wherever I go I hear things like “Oh, I wish we had more sex…”, “She always gets headaches!”, “We just… don’t do that anymore”.
Why on Earth Is That?
I got interested in intimacy in marriage a few months before I got married. Then I went through some painful things and even the word “sex” scared me so I was not sure if I was ready for my first night.
I thought it was embarrassing to read titles like “Solomon on sex”, “Two under one bedsheet” or “Intimacy ignited” blushing so much so that even my ears were burning.
And then, funny enough, a few people gave me marriage books as wedding gifts. I received around 10 different books. 9 of them were about sex!
Well, I thought. Maybe the attention I have given this topic was righteous and it seems like IT IS so important in marriage!
Sex is one of the best gifts from God and if you are married and your intimacy is bleh or you struggle with lack of sex in marriage, I am here to help you.
Intimacy issues in Christian marriages are not talked about enough, I think. But I speak about taboos on the topic of sex in marriage so head here if such articles interest you.
Observing couples around me (you can see if somebody is intimate or not just by looking at them!) and examining what can cause a lack of sex in marriage, I’ve found a few scenarios. And a step-by-step solution to each of them.
So let’s dive in!
Scenario 1 Leading to the Lack of Sex in Marriage: “No, Not Today, I Have a Headache”
Usually, women are more guilty of this one, but not only them. Men also have some excuses – the most popular is “I’m tired”.
This does not feel nice to be rejected like that. You were dreaming about your spouse’s body the whole day, and finally, the night comes, and… better luck next time buddy.
It is hard not to take it personally. Especially when we do not see the actual will to make love from our partner: At the end of the day it is not “Oh hun, I desire you so much, but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it, because I have such a headache” or “You are so tempting, but I had such a tiring day and I cannot do much”.
Let’s even leave the way “No” is formed, but what never comes after this is “Tomorrow” or any other promise that they will make it up (and out ;)) to you.
Sometimes it is so extreme that a wife gets a headache even thinking about sex. And the husband is too tired to have fun. But obviously, there is more to that.
The Root of Lack of Sex in Marriage
In this case, the real problem is usually one of three:
- One side is always active
- Sex is not a pleasure
- There is a lack of non-sexual affection
You can find them separately or mixed and even if you or your partner struggle with these 3 at once, the situation is not hopeless.
Even if it will take some time to make things better, it is worth it. Remember what the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 7:5? “So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control”.
Let me paraphrase that: Have sex.
Intimacy and great sex life always take time and effort, but if we put in some of it, the fruit is always worth it. So let’s see what you can do about each reason behind this mysterious anticonceptional headache.
1. One Side Is Always Active
In one of my marriage books there was an anonymous story where the lady – let’s call her A. – had a perfect example of this issue. A. said to her therapist that she does not want to have sex with her husband anymore, especially when he asks for it verbally. Asked why, she answered sighing “I do not want to jump on him again”.
Ha! At first, I thought that there was nothing wrong with being in a more active position as a woman, but then I thought that it must not be fun if it is the only variation. I mean, jumping is exhausting!
So, I want you to think for a while – when it comes to sex, are you a taker or a giver? Or, ideally, both?
Maybe you suffer from a lack of sex in marriage because you expect your partner to please you all the time without being willing to do the same.
I am not accusing you of being selfish, but maybe having more sex in marriage can be achieved by such simple things as shifting focus from receiving only to also giving.
2. Sex Is Not a Pleasure
Oh, that’s a wide topic! It often happens to women that they either feel pain during sex or they do not enjoy sex at all.
It is also highly dependent on the cycle, the way a husband treats his wife on this particular day and the weather. Okay, the last one not really (or maybe actually…).
Often the case is unmet expectations and feeling dissatisfied with the bedroom life. And the sad thing is, many of us are embarrassed to admit it or/and don’t want to hurt the other person.
Maybe all your wife needs is longer foreplay to increase the quantity of sex in your marriage.
Talking about expectations and desires OUTSIDE of the bedroom (not 4 minutes before the act) can make you two figure out what is the issue and work on solving it.
The more you want to please your spouse and vice versa, the less lack of sex in marriage. It’s a win-win.
3. Lack of Non-Sexual Affection
Women usually need to feel close emotionally to their husbands to crave sex. If you’re not hugging and kissing your wife without any sexual context, do not be surprised you are experiencing a lack of sex in marriage.
If she feels disconnected from you emotionally and then you ask for sex, she can assume you are only after her body.
And don’t get me wrong – women love feeling desired. Yet, wives need non-sexual affection (daily!) to feel drawn to their husbands. Sometimes this rule applies to men, too, but it is hard for me to imagine a horny wife asking her hubby “Hey baby, up for a quickie?” after not one friendly touch during the day!
Scenario 2 Leading to the Lack of Sex in Marriage: “We Are So Busy!”
Business of life can harm intimacy in a relationship. The tempo of life, jobs, chores – everything piles up, and before you notice you’re experiencing a lack of sex in marriage.
This is sad to observe the passion die, pushed down by money, household, or even groceries.
From passionate newlyweds, you became barely roommates and you only sleep (just literally) on your marriage bed.
There are a few bigger issues behind the business of life blocking intimacy and usually, there are two:
- Not being intentional
- Assuming it should come naturally
Ley’s analyze each case and figure out what you can do to have your sex life back!
1. Not Being Intentional
At the early stage of marriage, you do not need to put much effort into keeping sex exciting. It is new, you’re getting to know your bodies and you are just so in love.
But after the first freshness is gone, you draw further from each other than you ever imagined.
And then, just like that – lack of sex in marriage.
If none of you is putting some effort into keeping sex exciting and spending time with each other romantically, then it will not happen. You will become busier and busier and sex will be the last on your list.
And maybe you want more of it – I’m assuming that’s primarily why you’re reading this article in the first place. But your spouse seems not to be interested.
Maybe the key is to be more intentional for example by planning date nights, flirting with your spouse through text messages, and putting sex in your calendar. Don’t laugh! It can help – and for some women, such a plan helps them get excited and they would much rather await it than be surprised with the offer right when they are trying to fall asleep.
2. Assuming It Should Come Naturally
On your honeymoon it certainly did! But in the later stages of marriage, there is so much work that needs to be put there.
Waiting for amazing sex to happen just like that or worse – expecting your spouse they initiate all the time – will just lead you astray.
Now I will share my secret method with you – if you are a husband who struggles with lack of sex in marriage, this will help you get your wife in the mood again.
Wives can try this one too. Yet, for us, there are less complex methods to turn the husband on. I don’t know like… show him your breasts? 😉
So the acronym for the ultimate way to have more sex in marriage is:
ATTACK – attention, tension, teasing, affection, connection, kindness
Okay, that sounds like a lot, but it is not that hard.
Attention:
Listen to your spouse carefully and give her attention during the day. Focus only on them for at least 15 minutes daily to fire up the romantic sparks.
Tension:
I probably should not share such secret knowledge, but who cares? Some people, especially women, LOVE sexual tension even more than the sex itself. Really. Make your spouse crave this. Talk to them, describe what you would like to do… you know your spouse best – create the tension.
Teasing:
It’s the practical continuation of tension. Simply tease with words and tiny gestures in the morning and your spouse will burn for you in the evening.
Affection:
As I’ve mentioned before, non-sexual touch plays a huge role in wanting sex. Kiss each other after coming home, hug in the morning – the more you do it during the day, the more you’ll fill your spouse’s love-making tank for the night.
Connection:
Ask your spouse about their day by text, and do something together with them. Simply get involved. Your souls need to connect so that later on the bodies can too 😉
Kindness:
This one is so underestimated and rarely mentioned in the context of sex. Kind words, compliments, and for example, cooking for your husband or opening the door for your wife can increase the desire and passion in marriage. I know what I’m saying!
Scenario 3 Leading to a Lack of Sex in Marriage: “I Feel Insecure”
Even if a marriage bed should be the most secure place on earth, it often simply isn’t.
Wives usually feel insecure about their appearance, and the husbands about their performance. So it is usually one or the other.
Sure, there can be situations when a man is insecure about his body and a woman is not sure if she will perform well yet it is not as common.
That’s why I will focus mostly on the first variation – and I would like to spread the rest of the article into two parts – the advice for men – written by my husband – and women – written by me. Of course, you can read both if you want to be a rebel 😉
But if you or your spouse experience insecurity in the marriage bedroom, then I encourage you to focus on your part and take the most out of it.
Dear Wives…
Ladies first as they say!
Let me start by confessing that I do understand why you might not like your body enough to fully enjoy sex with your husband and you would rather step back than – oh gosh – let him admire you naked with lights on.
I’ve been there too. I would look at my belly and hate the thought of my husband seeing it. And the single creepy dark hair that grows right next to my belly button… Oh God help us!
Let me tell you a secret. Men are blind. Not to offend them – in this case, it is a good thing!
You know when he never can find the ketchup in the fridge when it stands right before him? Exactly. So believe me or not, he will not notice your flaws because the whole situation of seeing you naked will be too fascinating to him.
Second – God created your body so unique, so special and He wants you to enjoy it in every way possible – including sex!
So let me give you a challenge. Tonight – yes, do not wait even a day with this! – I want you to put on the prettiest lingerie you have WITHOUT looking in the mirror. What I want you to look at is your husband’s eyes when they lay on you.
Do not focus on what you think of your body now, pay full attention to him.
Now, tell me, do you think that a lady whose husband looks at her that way should have the tiniest complex about her body?
What if He Is the One Who Avoids Sex
What a dark circle… You might have felt very confident in your body, but out of nowhere your husband is not that interested in sex anymore and you become doubtful. Suddenly your cellulite starts bothering you (PS Another secret – 91% of men do not know what cellulite is!) or your hips seem too wide.
Do you know where the problem can be? I will be very honest with you. But I think by now you got used to it – this article broke at least three taboos already! 😉
My dear reader, he can avoid sex because… he thinks he cannot give you a proper orgasm.
I know! It is not about it for us that much, we enjoy the process, etc. But for him it is different. If a few times in a row you did not reach the orgasm, he might start feeling he is not performing well enough.
And from it, he starts feeling selfish – because he assumes he is the only one having fun out of it.
In this case, I have two advice for you. You will not like the second one!
All right, let’s hear it.
The first one is to as gently and lovingly as you can explain to your husband that you can be satisfied with intimacy without having an orgasm every time you make love. And assure him that the general pleasure that he gives you is enough and fantastic. Make him feel good enough to have sex with you often.
The second one is to tell him what feels good and what doesn’t in bed. I knew you wouldn’t like it! We, women, instantly feel shy when we need to express how we like to be touched, etc. And the fact you need to use these words!
But this might be a breakthrough for your intimacy. He will feel more competent knowing what to do and you will have more pleasure. It’s a win-win.
If you need more advice, I can recommend some books that helped me a lot in this sphere. The list is here.
Dear Husbands…
Husbands, love the Lord your God and follow His commandments; and your wife will have sex with you. Allow me to unpack. God is love, and therefore we ought to love another as Christ the church.
So, does your wife know that she is loved? Ask yourself if you love her the way she wants to be loved or the way you think she wants to be loved. If this question gets you to scratch your head sideways, good.
Alongside charity, be certain that you are a respectable man, a man that your wife can feel safe and secure with; fierce like a lion and tender like a lamb. That is what God designed you to be like, and that is what will attract your wife.
Pray and ask, and all those things will be added to you by our Lord if you ask in faith.
So, get up and love the woman God has given you. That’s a command! Leave her a romantic note as you head off to work, buy some flowers on your way home, and take her out to her favorite cafe, restaurant, bakery, or a walk in the park. Initiate some romance ahead of time and be spontaneous. Buy her beautiful lingerie and play some romantic music. You’re a man, you know how to be a gentleman. Love your woman!
What to Do When You Don’t Want to Have Sex With Your Wife?
Get. In. The. Mood.
Hats off to my husband without whom this article would not be complete. We do hope it was helpful and soon lack of sex in marriage will not be the case. 🙂
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